Sunday, 31 October 2010

Halloween Horror

I have a scary tale to tell.

T'was a dark, moonless night. The smell of roasting pumpkin and witches brew lay heavy on the air. Suddenly the murky blackness was pierced by the shrieks of a sinister skeletal figure and his accomplice, a terrifying and powerful witch of rather small stature.

They danced to a cheap Halloween novelty CD. They ate brain and gore sandwiches (egg and jam)*, baby's fingers and eyeballs (sausages and grapes), and finished off with that old favourite; blood jelly and bogey cream. Then they started on the chocolate. Then some more dancing. Then a vicious balloon fight. Then some more chocolate, and then the assault on the neighbours began.

Up and down the road they patrolled, their beady eyes alert for likely prey. As soon as there was a response to their rapacious door hammering the victim was overwhelmed with fearsome roars and blood curdling screeches. They demanded chocolate and sweets and were rewarded richly by neighbours desperate to be rid of these tiny predators and get back to Sunday's X-factor results show.

Simon Cowell's opinions were of scant interest to these hydrogenated fat and sugar saturated creatures as they continued to greedily devour their booty. One foolish parent tried to prise the goodies from their sticky paws only to be repelled by howls of rage, clenched fists and the perfect impression of a full set of baby teeth in the hand.

Soon the skeleton slumped into a sugar coma rendering him sufficiently compliant to put to bed. However the little witch demanded a yoghurt and then her final bottle of milk to add to her day's intake of party food, chocolate, jelly and cream, chocolate, sweets, cake, more sweets and more chocolate.

The first inkling of trouble came with a faint whiff of yoghurt belch, then her eyes opened wide with a look of surprise, then the stomach contortions. Then the noise of a large volume of pungent, potent vileness errupting at force and hitting everything within a five foot radius.....I can't even describe the horror. The carnage. The smell. Three out of four of us had to have a shower and complete change of clothes. The living room is permeated with an odour which I suppose only goes to reward us for the day's gross neglect of our daughter's basic dietary needs.

This has been the Halloween horror chez Kerryonliving. May your Halloween be far more fragrant than ours.

*(I am here referring to egg sandwiches and jam sandwiches. An actual egg and jam sandwich does not sound like a winning combination)