So this week's listography subject over at Kate's is '5 Most Annoying Kid's TV Programmes'.
To be honest I'm going to find this one hard as I don't allow my children to drain their brains in front of the tv. I'm too busy hothousing the 1 and 3 year old into appreciating classical literature (so far they love Dostoevsky and Flaubert). I've been using flashcards to teach them French and Cantonese Chinese, and encouraging their creative side with patchwork quilting.........oh who am I even trying to kid?
Too much time is spent with the mind numbing tv babysitter which is Cbeebies, and to be honest it would be far easier to come up with a list of the kid's tv programs I do like.
Anyhow as I'm sure many of the major annoying culprits will be fully outed by other contributors I'm including some vintage options in my listography:
1. Any Timmy Mallett programme, ever, even if he was just doing a guest appearance. No need for explanation is there?
2. Little House on the Prairie. I loved these books with an all consuming passion. I still have them, but their translation onto the screen with that toothy, saccharine, wholesome Melissa Gilbert just annoyed me with it's bad acting, overt sentimentality and never-bloody ending episodes which after the first couple of series were absolutely nothing like the book. Nellie Oleson's hair was scary and used to give me sympathy ponytail-too-tight headaches. Little sister Carrie just smiled her gummy smile and barely spoke a word ever and big sister Mary's 'Ooh look, I have a major visual impairment' over acting was just horrendous.
Of course in real life they now all have drink problems and have starred in a few dodgy porn movies.*
3. Any program containing Roland Rat. As with 1. above, I'm sure no further explanation is really needed.
4. Moving on to current times I hate, with a passion, Big Cook Little Cook. Even more so since I found out that they are an actual stand up comedy partnership called Electric Forecast. It's not so much the inane repetitive storylines, and terrible song and dance routines which make me shudder. It's more that I have a sense of the palpable waves of self-hatred emanating from these credible performers as they realise the creative depths to which they have sunk in the name of regular money.
5. Come outside. The one with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel (showing my age) and her perky little dog. So far, so nice. And then she goes outside and climbs into her light aircraft just to visit the bloody library. Then invariably looses the dog. So not only does she show scant regard for her carbon footprint, but she is also a negligent pet owner, and on that basis she has to be included in this list.
* This is absolutely not true. No not at all. It was a joke. Not, I repeat, not intended to be taken seriously. Not libelous at all then.